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pyrosdaystar's LiveJournal:
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| Thursday, May 18th, 2006 | | 2:40 am |
| | Monday, May 8th, 2006 | | 12:35 am |
Oy...
It seems that the only times I'm ever moved to write are the times when I feel most fucked up in the head. The past few days have led me to a realization that I have nothing going for me. Absolutely nothing. Many may try to make arguments to that, I have a job, a roof over my head, and talent in many areas. But all that means nothing when I have no will or motivation to do anything with it. Throughout my entire life I've always done enough to get by. And that little bit has always been adequate for me. My roommate has been nit-picking incessantly for me to go out on my own and do things. Go contact galleries, call people, make connections, etc. It has gotten annoying to the point where I'm nearly flat out refusing. Before I was merely ignoring, because I had no motive to. Now, we have some work hanging on a wall. Collaborative, because she knows I'd never have done it on my own. But because it is both our work, it's also half my job to do everything. I'm even emailing photos of the work, off my camera, to her patron, using her email. She got pissy at me for not having it sent the second she asked me about it. And this drama is only half of it. It also seems that this unmotivation of mine greatly affects my personal life, opening the door for anyone and everyone to take advantage of my willingness to settle, overly trust, and naievty. It's too easy for me to just accept, and not fight for what I deserve. Hell, it's gotten so I don't even know what I do deserve. The guy I've been seeing for the past few weeks has been nothing but wonderful. The only problem is, that he has his own issues to work through, and is currently incapable of emotion, after being hurt recently. So I'm seeing how I should be treated, by someone who has no capacity of love for me. And knowing that only makes me wish even harder I could fix his problems, if only to catch a glimpse of what he is truly capable of. The whole thing started out as friends with benefits, and that was working great. So great, that he started spending just about every other night, then every night, then 4 days, every night, etc. It's turned into a convenience thing. And that's when I start fucking up and start getting a little too attached. And it's hard for me to back off a bit, make myself a little unavailable. It's not how I was brought up. I'm not a player. I don't know the rules. It'll be interesting to even attempt it, again where my roommate has been pressuring me to change myself. Maybe I do need a change. Maybe I do need a personality makeover. Maybe I was happy the way I am... Current Mood:  depressedCurrent Music: Leaving Only Scars - Systematic | | Friday, March 31st, 2006 | | 12:22 pm |
Well shit.
Since I know a lot of you from the old VP days read my LJ, I figured I'd post this news I recieved yesterday here. I found out yesterday, from his son, that Left4Dead aka Lefty, Righty, Steve, etc. passed away in September due to the cancer many of us knew about. Since I know how news travels with us, and I hadn't heard anything about it, I thought many of you were also uninformed. So please, pass this news on to anyone you can. RIP you crotchety bastard, (that said with nothing but love, you guys know it... lol) may you enjoy yourself to the fullest. Current Mood: moroseCurrent Music: Ozzy Osbourne - Mama I'm Comin' Home | | Sunday, March 19th, 2006 | | 2:25 am |
Past news
Apparently I suck, but I didn't get the memo. Did you? Coz damn, that just makes my suckiness worse. Or something. I just suck because I suck. Not for anything I've done.... I just plain and simple suck at life. Boo. | | Friday, January 27th, 2006 | | 12:15 pm |
Yup.
That last one needed its own entry. This was just kinda nifty. I'd like to see others' results. Other than that I've been well, having some fun etc. Hopefully get to see my boy Sunday after things calm down on his end. He's been working (nursing is an evil time-consumer) and his mother's been sick (just got out of the hospital). Fun. Anyhoo, DeRod's birthday is tomorrow and hopefully I can pull this party together. Much fun (yeah right) I suck at planning things so I'm all frazzled trying to get this settled in a day. Oy... Current Music: MSI - Played | | 12:12 pm |
I cried reading this....
I generally do not repost from others..and I generally put something this size behind a cut...but.. I am the girl kicked out of her home because I confided in my mother that I am a lesbian. I am the prostitute working the streets because nobody will hire a transsexual woman. I am the sister who holds her gay brother tight through the painful, tear-filled nights. We are the parents who buried our daughter long before her time. I am the man who died alone in the hospital because they would not let my partner of twenty-seven years into the room. I am the foster child who wakes up with nightmares of being taken away from the two fathers who are the only loving family I have ever had. I wish they could adopt me. I am one of the lucky ones, I guess. I survived the attack that left me in a coma for three weeks, and in another year I will probably be able to walk again. I am not one of the lucky ones. I killed myself just weeks before graduating high school. It was simply too much to bear. We are the couple who had the realtor hang up on us when she found out we wanted to rent a one-bedroom for two men. I am the person who never knows which bathroom I should use if I want to avoid getting the management called on me. I am the mother who is not allowed to even visit the children I bore, nursed, and raised. The court says I am an unfit mother because I now live with another woman. I am the domestic-violence survivor who found the support system grow suddenly cold and distant when they found out my abusive partner is also a woman. I am the domestic-violence survivor who has no support system to turn to because I am male. I am the father who has never hugged his son because I grew up afraid to show affection to other men. I am the home-economics teacher who always wanted to teach gym until someone told me that only lesbians do that. I am the man who died when the paramedics stopped treating me as soon as they realized I was transsexual. I am the person who feels guilty because I think I could be a much better person if I didn’t have to always deal with society hating me. I am the man who stopped attending church, not because I don't believe, but because they closed their doors to my kind. I am the person who has to hide what this world needs most, love. I am the man who's life saving blood was refused in a time of shortage because I am gay. I am the person at war with myself because of social stigma. I laugh at the 'family values' of broken homes of straight couples when my own has been more solid than stone for 30+ years. I was the person who was the victim of a hate crime by those investigating my murder. I was the boy dragged to death because I was gay while my killers were praised for doing 'Gods' work. I was the example to the world when I lay broken and bleeding because I was holding my boyfriend's hand. I am the man who wishes the world to know my fear and pain every day I live in fear or pain. I am the people who die every day because of bigotry and hatred. I am the young man who had to wait for college to work out what he was because public schools gave me no resources to deal with my preferences, because certain parent groups were afraid of a mythical agenda converting their children. I am the older man who still has not figured things out and never will, because society has eased him into living a lie. I am the woman who is turned away by most groups because I love someone whom is transgendered and no one thinks I fit in. I am the community that is shattered because people are too stuck on labels to see beyond body parts. It shouldn't matter what I do or don’t have, only that I'm human and deserve to be loved, I can't help the body I was born in. Re-post this if you believe homophobia is wrong. Current Mood:  touchedCurrent Music: Mindless Self Indulgence - Masturbation | | Saturday, January 14th, 2006 | | 2:27 am |
http://www.geocities.com/pyros_daystar3/cat4.jpgThat is evilness is it's utmost cutest form. And no, he still does not have a name, nor do I really want to give him one. I think it's funnier that way. Current Mood:  COFFEE!!Current Music: Apoptygma Berzerk - OK Amp | | Tuesday, January 10th, 2006 | | 1:35 pm |
Woah.
So, I had a date last night. And it was awesome. So incredibley awesome that I'm absolutely floored. For a while now I'd started believing less and less that there is "the one" for me and questioning all that soul mate stuff, but after last night it keeps running through my head. And it's not freaking me out. And for that reason that I'm not doubting it in my mind or heart, is the reason I'm all like, WTF?! So I think I'm just going to be all like "ummmm ok..." to myself and see how this goes. Wish me luck, huh? Current Mood:  indescribableCurrent Music: Loreena McKennitt - The Highwayman | | Monday, January 9th, 2006 | | 11:51 pm |
Yar I update, durr.
Um yeah. And stuff. I got a kitten. He still remains nameless. Pics if I feel like it. But in the meantime to amuse you, I thought this rather fitting. | Your Stipper Song Is | 
Pour Some Sugar on Me by Def Leppard
"Love is like a bomb, baby, c'mon get it on
Livin' like a lover with a radar phone
Lookin' like a tramp, like a video vamp
Demolition woman, can I be your man?"
Break out the baby oil, you rock it old school. |
Current Mood: coldCurrent Music: Some crap on the radio my roommate left on. | | Monday, December 19th, 2005 | | 10:19 am |
Holy shit I'm alive. Got internet a week ago and just didn't feel like updating til now. And everything is good so I don't really have whole lot to say. Yup. Here are some fun things. Apparently this thing thinks I'm Goth or something.... Har! | You Were a Lynx | 
You are a great knower and keeper of secrets.
A bit psychic, you can bring out hidden truths. |
At least that one's believeable... Current Mood: chipperCurrent Music: Guns N' Roses - Paradise City | | Wednesday, August 31st, 2005 | | 2:50 pm |
Well well well
So, I've been in Kansas City, MO for a little more than a week now. I've had callbacks for two part time jobs already, so soon enough the cash will be rolling in. I've been having a really great time so far, surprisingly. We've been able to do a little extra help for the landlord to make some extra cash (mainly to make rent for this month...) Which we did do, and we'll be delivering that tomorrow. Huzzah. So yeah... Current Mood: chipper | | Saturday, June 11th, 2005 | | 6:08 pm |
GIVE ME HUFU!!!
http://www.eathufu.com/home.aspNow, you gotta admit that this is fucking AWESOME!! I'd buy it, too bad it's on backorder. I want the shirts too... All of them... lol I'd willingly be a mad crazy promoter of this... And if you disagree with the whole thing, then fine. Just remember it's not even real meat anyway. So there. | | Sunday, June 5th, 2005 | | 5:07 pm |
Woosh
That is the sound inside my head right about now. I finally graduated college, my diploma is pending, after I take a summer course. Yay. I now have an apt in Alfred, a short walk from campus. So far it's been fairly dull, but I have found people to hang out with from time to time. Boy is in Syracuse for another week, so that's kinda got me down, since I haven't seen him in a good 3 weeks. Boo. Otherwise, I have no internet, save for the love of my life, the Coffee House in town. Yay for free intarweb. I think I might start doing a bunch of drawings and crap, and maybe try to peddle those wares via online somewhere. I'm in the process of getting my ceramics up, and by that I mean I haven't even taken any digital images of them, but I plan to. Hopefully that'll be done before my class starts later this month. I'll probably be bringing a bunch of my cups back (need to go home the weekend before class starts for friend's wedding) to sell at the craft fair in July. Whoopie! Yeah... That's about all I can think of offhand. I'll probably not be on IM much, and I'll probably only be on AIM, since that's what they have installed on the CH comps. But if you do catch me on, please talk to me. It's so lonely, so very lonely.... Ah right.... Current Mood: okay | | Tuesday, March 22nd, 2005 | | 2:24 am |
Hmmm....
Hooray for insomnia, or something. Been trying to sleep for over an hour, and can't even get near sleep. Just too much crap running around in my brain. Of course, I bet the large mocha at 11:30 didn't help, but then I was about to pass out when I got back to my room at midnight. Oh well. I can't really think of anything that I care to write about, sure stuff's been happening, but whatever. I plan on getting some porcelain tomorrow and make lots of cups, for my senior show. I think that'll be the only thing I'll use it for anyway, unless I feel like being generous and making someone something with it. I plan to NOT use it for class-work (save for our 5 weekly cups, but those are going for my show anyway...) since, well I just don't want to. So there. Yeah. My brain hurts and I don't feel like writing anymore. Current Mood:  Murrr >Current Music: The Doors - Mental Floss | | Saturday, March 5th, 2005 | | 12:25 am |
Hooowhee!!
This nade me giggle, and knowing all those people, it's about 99% accurate!! I'm especially fond of how I end the mission. Mmmm I'll make sure it's located at the end of the universe, too. :-D Kudos to those who get the joke. So yeah. Other than that, things have been. Life is settling, though as I draw nearer to my senior show it'll pick up, a LOT! I have this incredible plan for it now, and it's fairly sound. Hopefully I can muster my forces and really pull it off... Current Mood: amusedCurrent Music: The music stuck in my head - Dresden Dolls - Girl Anachronism | | Sunday, January 9th, 2005 | | 9:48 pm |
Why?
I feel as though my life is a horribly bad indie film, and the only semi-redeeming factor is the soundtrack. I just want to leave. To anywhere. Just be going, driving, and scream. Scream as fucking loud as possible, loud and long til I fucking lose my voice, lose my fucking mind, and fucking find myself. "Reckless drive, the broken it, running away. One day I drove a my car. The car started running a very fast speed. Where is it going? Surprised in my life." That shirt of mine really just seems to sum it all up... Current Mood: Lost.....Current Music: Type O Negative - World Coming Down | | Thursday, December 23rd, 2004 | | 8:17 pm |
The sky this evening was amazing. We looked out side and everything just glowed this insanely brilliant orange. Then the orange faded into this glowing purple. It was rather bizarre, since it was overcast. But everything outside just had this glow to it. It gave that warm fuzzy tummy feeling. On another note, I jsut want to drive. I don't care where, anywhere. Just to get out and be gone, away from anyone and everything, just me and the loud angry music I'd be pumping through the speakers. And why would I love this right now? Because nobody would know where the fuck I was. I really do like to disappear every now and then. That whole time to one's self thing is rather enjoyable. Maybe I'll eventually find a nice enough rock to go crawl under and just exist... That would be nice. Current Mood:  WanderlustingCurrent Music: NIN - Underneath it All | | Friday, December 10th, 2004 | | 1:30 am |
Wark.
So this week has been this crazy mix of ups and downs. AFter this weekend I thought my head would be ready to explode trying to get everything fone for my crit in Tile for Monday, though the crit wasn't until Tues. So Tuesday came and went, I had a bad crit and I don't want to get into details. Wednesday was great, I had a little crit/presentation type thing in my seminar class, and everyone had some great feedback on my work. This brings us to Thursday. I get down to the studio to see that all my tiles had been ripped off the walls and thrown away. I had to fo some garbage picking to get them and some other stuff that was in my space back. To make the day worse, when I was dumpster diving for boxes to give Amy since the bastards in our class had stolen most of the ones she'd saved, I stepped on a nail. Yummy. Fortunately I have a mean luck streak and excellent reflexes so I managed to stop stepping quickly enough after feeling it puncture my show to only have an annoying, but not terribly dfeep puncture wound on my big toe. A quarter of an inch to the right would have ended up between my toes, but had I put it through my foot or something equally as debilitating, there wouldn't be any good news. This now brings us to my Karate final tonight. I'm grumbling because my toe hurts (boo freaking hoo) though all I really need to worry about is massive infection from that horridly filthy floor. But anywho, Sensei Flynn decided that our class was above average and had done so well, that she decided to forgo the written part of our final. So it was all showing her what we learned in class. So not only did I ace it, I also earned my yellow belt. Now, I'm hoping that I can bust my ass enough next semester without taking too much away from getting shit together for my senior show to get my orange belt before I graduate. It can be done... And damnit I'm gonna. Current Mood:  determinedCurrent Music: NIN - Suck | | Tuesday, November 30th, 2004 | | 7:24 pm |
This is rather amusing, considering I've always claimed to be from the 7th layer of hell.... The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Seventh Level of Hell!Here is how you matched up against all the levels: Take the Dante Inferno Hell Test Current Mood:  sillyCurrent Music: Ring ring ring ring ring ring ring, BANANA PHONE!!!!! | | Sunday, November 28th, 2004 | | 6:21 pm |
meh
I really don't know why, well maybe I do, but I've just been feeling really down lately. I have a feeling my psyche is feeling neglected and wants to pretend to play "let's get some affection by being sad!!" So I'm just like meh whatever. Life isn't that great. Whoopie do. I'll get over it. Or something... Current Mood: blarghCurrent Music: In Flames - Dialogue With the Stars |
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